The Alberta Pickup
You know how it is. You’re sitting in the cafeteria at Voisey Bay with your co-workers and one of them is talking about his latest purchase. You guessed it, a new truck. Not just any truck mind you, it’s a four by four, club cab with a turbo V8 motor, AC, box liner, the whole bit. You hope no one asks about your vehicle, the VW Beetle you’ve had since your first year at CONA. You know it had to happen, the picture gets sent around the table to the other guys, not you though, cause you don’t have a cellphone, iPad or personal computer. So, how much was this new pickup, you ask your buddy. It’s five digits, before the decimal point, and the first one is 6. He’s got to wait until next turn around for delivery and by then the four thousand dollar trailer hitch will be installed, the racing stripes added to the metallic paint job and wouldn’t you know, it’s got both air conditioning and a sun roof, go figure! Of course, the pan has a heavy-duty liner, don’t know why, cause everyone knows nothing’s going in there. I saw the picture, don’t know why no one mentioned the elevator he’s going to need just so he and his missus can get in the thing. We’re back home on another turnaround. One of the boys phoned me at home and said he passed me four times on the TCH on the way home from the airport. That’s cause I didn’t have to stop for gas in my Beetle. Was telling the missus the whole thing and she said, don’t even think about it. She said, you know what my mother says about paying the other guy’s bills. Sure I’ve heard that often enough, but what does she say about Bingo five nights a week? We’re supporting more charities than I can shake a stick at. But then I should consider all the money I’m wasting on a two-four of beer every fourth week when I get home. I forgot to tell her I had made an appointment with a sales rep at one of the dealerships in town. I timed it so I could go there after dropping her and her mother at Costco on our way to the mall. She promised not to be long at Costco because we had a reservation at some classy restaurant downtown. It’s the mother-in-law’s birthday again. It’s hard to keep track but I’m almost certain that this is the third one this year. If this keeps up she’ll be dead of old age before Christmas. I told them I was going to Princess Auto next door. The women can’t understand why we fellas can spend so much time there. Sure they only spend four hours at the mall trying on dresses, slacks and tops and walk out with nothing. At least I bought a wrench and measuring tape at Princess Auto last time and I was only there twenty minutes. Anyway, I’m at the dealership and this young sales rep is all excited that I want to look at some nice Alberta pickups. He’s already spent his commission five times over, everything from a new house to a trip to Europe, and we haven’t left his cubicle yet. Man, there’s rows and rows of them on the lot, everything from mustard yellow to rose petal pink. Never seen so many double cab four be fours since that time at the airport in Edmonton after they closed down all the sands projects. He says they can’t keep the things in stock. Here’s a real beauty, he tells me. It’s fire engine red, four wheel drive, V8 supercharge motor, club cab, air conditioning, automatic transmissions, tinted windows, power steering, brakes, windows and side mirrors; tilt steering wheel, it’s even got an ejector seat for the mother-in-law. Got to admit, it’s a sharp-looking rig, and that ejector seat is a plus. But there’s that question again, does it come with an elevator? Cause I’ve got to be able to get into the thing. Maybe I should think this over because I get a nosebleed just standing on a chair. The sales rep has already gone from economy to business class on that trip to Europe. Guess I shouldn’t have let him see me drooling. And besides, I haven’t even seen the interior yet. We are standing beside the driver’s side door and my head is six inches below the handle. The sales rep is shorter than me and we’re waiting for the lift truck to come by so we can get in. There’s a Coast Guard helicopter standing by to get us out when we’re done. I can’t wait to see that door-to-door carpeting and the real leather upholstery he’s raving about, not to mention the console, the wide-screen module, there’s even a back-up camera and collision avoidance system – which is extra, of course. He says this system can find you a rock or a tree if you’re in the middle of nowhere and got to go. So we’re finally in the cab and I’m sizing up the wide screen and feeling a nosebleed coming on. No problem, that leather interior is wipe clean. The sales rep is pointing out all the features available and I got lost at the flooring. I did get a word in to ask about the fuel consumption, but he’s telling me about the supercharged engine that goes zero to sixty in twenty seconds. What he doesn’t tell me is it goes from F to E in less that 100km. How do you get from Grand Falls to Deer Lake in this monster?! Now we are outside checking the tires. Think I have already broken one toe. The other is still numb, can’t tell about that one. The tires are over twenty inches and that’s just the width. I’d probably have to get a second job and find a good corner downtown for the missus and her younger sister just to get enough money to afford them. The sales rep mentions the bed liner, but it’s too high off the ground for me to see inside. No wonder the guys never put anything in there. This one already has an extra duty trailer hitch, but it’s extra. That was a real eye opener, so now we’re back in the showroom talking money. According to the numbers the sales rep is putting forth, I could buy a condo in Florida with unlimited access to Disney World for the same price as one monthly payment. This is before we talk rust-proofing or warranty. So I’m wondering where could I get a second job with decent pay – say, 40 bucks an hour – and what’s the chance of finding a real good corner downtown for the wife and her sister when all my buddies already got an Alberta pickup. Besides, I’m not really sure I can count on the wife. After all, her headaches tend to correspond with my turnarounds as it is. Of course, if she was on the corner she wouldn’t be at Bingo, so even if she didn’t do well I’d still save a pile of money. So I says to the sales rep, put it all down on paper so I can show the wife and the mother-in-law who really make the decisions in my life, and I’ll get back to him in 72 hours or less. Now it’s back to Costco before I’m in real trouble. I don’t see anyone looking mad outside the store, so that’s a good sign. In I goes to the store. The wife and the mother-in-law are in the checkout line with two carts each loaded to the rim. Guess they forgot we came in a VW Beetle. Mother, I guess you’re going to have to share the back seat, and the chance that I’m going to get a two-four on the way home isn’t looking good. Cyril Griffin New Perlican, NL
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