OTTO, THE ULTIMATE 'DO-IT-YOURSELF' MAN’ If anybody could be described as innovative and resourceful, or as they say now, ‘living outside of the box’, it would be a neighbor I once had the dubious honour of knowing. I lived just far enough away from him that he was not given to doing research on my household, or giving me unwanted advice and suggestions, of which he had many.

His name was ‘Otto’, he was in his early fifties, strong and outspoken, cared not what anyone thought of him, and marched through life causing one catastrophe after another, and enjoyed it all. He wanted to live the life of a ‘pioneer’, causing my husband to bestow the name ‘The Homesteader’ on him, and gradually he became known as that and rather enjoyed the change. Otto was a power to be reckoned with every day in our small community.

For instance, the area where we lived was zoned as residential. Otto was informed he was not to keep livestock on his premises. However this fell on deaf ears and was no deterrent to this obstinate man, because he had purchased a dairy cow and kept her in his garage around the back of his house.

When this ‘pioneer’ was called before the Municipal Council to explain his actions, he told them he was shocked and totally unaware of what they were talking about. So after several long sessions of Otto telling them to prove he had a cow, which of course was moved to some hiding place by then, the Council just gave up. Otto, realizing having a cow was no longer a challenge, promptly decided to sell it.

‘The Homesteader’ lived in a large white house with black trim. He had two children barely into their teens, a small farm tractor, a vegetable garden, a homemade sauna in his basement that covered him with soot, and, just to be really a nuisance, he bought chickens that ran amuck and ate the flowers that the lady next door to him cared for so lovingly.

On one legendary occasion he decided to paint his house, announcing to one and all that he had ‘the perfect paint plan!’ Everyone wondered how he would do the painting, knowing it would not be the conventional way-and everyone was right! It wasn’t conventional by any means.

Otto told the neighborhood about the ‘paint plan’, and when he sensed doubt in people’s reactions, he said ‘Just watch me’.

So we did.

He hauled the tractor out, his thirteen-year-old daughter was given a lesson in moving the tractor and the tractor bucket, then Otto climbed into the bucket with a gallon each of black and white paint, and two paint brushes. His ‘plan’ was to paint both the house, and the trim, from the bucket of the tractor with his daughter at the controls. He thought this was one of his best ideas yet; he would have his daughter move the tractor and him along the sides of the house and it would make the job so much easier to paint the white, then the black, then move on! This would surpass any idea he had ever asserted.

Finally painting day arrived. All went well at first as Otto’s young daughter moved the tractor carefully, and Otto, with his paint, moved quickly along the side of his house, painting as he went. People stopped and stared, just to see this ‘plan’ being put into effect. As Otto proudly continued painting, his young daughter became bored, and obviously did not want to be doing this at all.

Then it happened! ‘The Homesteader’ called down to her and asked that the tractor be moved ‘about three feet to the right and closer to the house by about a foot’. His instructions were quite clear.

The young tractor driver, chewing bubble gum and rolling her eyes, started to do as she was told, however by then her attention span had weakened, and she paid minimal caution to the controls of the machine with her father up in the bucket. The tractor started moving faster and she panicked. She then started moving the various levers in an attempt to correct the movement of the machine. However, despite her best efforts, the tractor lurched forward, plunging the two foot-long prongs of the bucket into the side of the house as slick as a knife cuts butter! Otto was at the bottom of the bucket rolling around in black and white paint.

Finally he stood up and looked out over the rim of the paint tub with a dumbfounded expression. The throng watching this burst into a collective marathon laughter session. Otto still had a paint brush in each hand, but the black and white paint had splashed over him giving him a ‘Zebra-Look’. His bubble gum-chewing daughter ran into the house, disgusted by it all.

Meanwhile, Otto looked down at the laughing throng and uttered the greatest understatement of all time.

“I guess the ‘plan’ needs a little more work,” he said through his black paint-covered teeth.

So ended the ‘paint plan’. The house eventually got fixed and painted, this time by a professional painter.

Shortly after that episode the Council called and wanted to see Otto again. Apparently they had information that he had chickens at his residential establishment.

True to form, and without batting an eye, Otto stood in the council chambers, facing the dour faced councillors and asked, “Can you prove they are chickens?”.

And the ‘wanna be pioneer’, a man who would not conform, and who was called ‘The Homesteader’, started a whole new round of confrontations.

He loved every minute of it, and so did the neighborhood!

You just had to love a character as colorful as Otto!

Bonnie Jarvis-Lowe   Submitted By: Bonnie Jarvis-Lowe