My Grandma is a rock star! Well...not really. But she could be! She is single-handedly the most awesome little old lady on the planet and easily out-cools most people I know, which is an amazing feat since I know a lot of really cool people.

She doesn’t even realize she’s half as cool as she is. She just goes about her life doing her own thing, saying some of the funniest things I’ve ever heard and brightening up lives all over the place and she doesn’t even know it! To her it’s no big deal. How cool is that?

Having been given up for adoption as a baby, I was 22 before I even met my Grandma. And, during the flight from Toronto to St. John’s, I was nervous as hell! I’d never spoken to her and I’d only seen a few grainy pictures so I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. At best, she was going to be one of those kindly, plump, permed old ladies who wore flowery dresses, smelled like bread and baked pies all day. After all, that’s what Newfie Grandmas do, right? They knit. They sew. They bake. They pray. Some of them burn up the phone lines with gossip and squeeze the guts out of you when they grab you by the head for a grandma hug but it’s harmless enough. On the other hand, she could be an evil, spindly old hag who chain smoked out of a long, ivory cigarette holder, wore tailored suits and fur coats made of kittens, had a chignon tied so tight, it pulled the corners of her eyes back to her temples and spent her time criticizing everything you do from a rocking chair where she sat petting a Pomeranian rat named Foo Foo.

However, when I finally stood face-to-face with her, she was nothing like I had expected.

Actually, I can’t say that I have ever stood face to face with my grandmother. She’s Grandma-size, at about five feet tall in her teeny, tiny bare feet so at 5’7”, I could comfortably eat a pie off the top of her head...not that I ever would, of course. But other than how short she is, the first thing I noticed about Grandma Joan is the fact that she is indeed a plump little old lady who knits, sews, bakes and prays. I was right about that. She also swears, drinks rye, tells dirty jokes and drives a standard like a race car driver. Seventy-one years old and she’d put most NASCAR drivers to shame.

During my visit, she and I went to Bay Bulls to see a family friend and go on a boat tour of the harbour. I’d never been to St. John’s before so I was pretty excited. I thought since the car was a five-speed, she’d ask me to drive. I incorrectly and stereotypically assumed that many elderly people have problems with poor circulation, their backs are knotted up, their hearts are bad, their hands are arthritic, their legs pain them, etc. Not my grandma! She just jumped into the driver’s seat, pulled the seat up as close to the steering wheel as it would go to accommodate her short little legs, slapped the thing in reverse and peeled out of the driveway, spraying the house with gravel. My mouth dropped open in holy-moly shock. The only ailment Grandma Joan appeared to be suffering from in her old age was lead foot!

Although she drives better than most people half her age, I couldn’t help but become a little nervous because it quickly became apparent that my grandma was on a mission: get to Bay Bulls, nevermind the nonsense and completely disregard any other objects on the road – including other drivers. I’m old, I’ve got places to be, get the jeepers outta my way!

About 10 minutes into our journey, and while driving up a crowded double-lane city street in St. John’s, Grandma Joan realized that she should be going in the opposite direction. Instead of slowly pulling over into a parking lot like many people would do, she checked her mirrors, yanked the steering wheel roughly to the left and made a complete u-turn right across four lanes of traffic. Once she had straightened out the car, she nailed the gas and shot up the road. Yikes! My grip on the door handle tightened but we made it there in one piece.

My grandma is up with modern times. She has e-mail...and she uses it! She sends pictures and forwards and little messages. My adoptive parents, who are 20 years younger, don’t even own a computer - but my 71-year old granny not only has a computer that she totally knows how to use, she has e-mail! I think it’s the most hilarious thing ever that I can e-mail my own grandmother.

My grandma is also on Facebook. Can you believe that? I’m Facebook friends with my own grandmother...and I think she actually has more friends than I do. It totally makes me laugh when she pokes me or comments on my status updates. It also means that I can’t hide from her so pictures of that one time when I...oh wait...she also knows how to use the internet and reads Downhome all the time so I better keep that story to myself. The technological age definitely isn’t passing this woman by. YOUR grandma might be sitting in front of the TV watching The Price is Right and knitting socks but MY grandma is surfing the information highway! How do ya like THAT?

Grandma Joan also has the best sense of humour. I was teasing her once about when she plans to marry her boyfriend, Abe. Yes, my grandma has a boyfriend. Seventy-one years old; she has a boyfriend and I don’t. Not surprising; look how pretty she is! Anyway, I joked about what her wedding would look like and decided that she would look so cute in a white Jackie Kennedy Chanel suit with a little pillbox hat. Maybe there would be a little miniature veil partially covering her face?

Well, Grandma Joan decided that she didn’t like that idea so she sent me a picture, via e-mail, of what she really planned to wear on her jaunt up the aisle. It was of a scantily-clad model wearing a very revealing lingerie-type wedding dress...or so it seemed. Upon closer inspection, I gasped. Apparently my little ol’ granny plans to get married in the nude with a painted-on dress. Well, alright then.

She was also a master at settling disputes amongst her children in a fair and even manner. When accused by one child of favouring another, her response was “I have no favourites. I hates the works of you’s!” Argument settled.

But despite all that, there’s more to my grandma than just a modern, lively and incredibly funny lady. She’s smart and caring and loves her family more than anything else on earth. She sends me cute little cards for insignificant occasions like Halloween and Easter and has never forgotten my birthday. She calls me when I'm sick or when I'm sad and always cheers me up.

She has an aura around her that just makes you feel comfortable and the minute she laughs, you can’t help but like her. Personally, I’m not an overly affectionate person but I always want grandma hugs. From the first time I met her, I took to her like glue and when I discovered that she’s also the coolest little old lady around, I decided right there that I’m going to be exactly like her when I’m 70. She’s grabbed life by the horns and is running with it, living each and every day to its fullest. I’m lucky to have a Grandma like her.

  Submitted By: Joanna Lucas