April 21, 2010

This is a very "old" poem; it has been in my possession for 30-plus years. I thought you might like to have it.

By the way, Downhome is "the best" magazine; my wife gave it to me many years ago for Christmas!

Betsy & I Are Out

Draw up those papers lawyers and make then good and stout,
For things in our house are crossways and Betsy and I are out,
For we have worked together as long as man and wife,
We must pull in single harness the rest of our natural lives.

"What's the matter now?" says you, "I swear it's hard to tell,"
The most of the years behind us we have passed by very well,
I had not other women, she had no other men,
But we have lived together as long as ever we can.

So I have talked to Betsy, and Betsy has talked to me,
And we have agreed together that we can never agree.
Not that we have caught each other in any terrible crime,
We have been gathering this for years, a little at a time.

There was a stock of temper we both had from the start,
But little we expected it would tear us both apart,
I had my various feelings both in flesh and bone
And Betsy like all good women had a temper of her own.

The first thing I remember wherein we disagreed,
Something concerning Heaven, the difference in our Creed
We argued the thing at breakfast, we argued the thing at tea,
The more we argued together the more we didn't agree.

The most thing I remember was when we lost a cow,
The thing she kicked the bucket, well the question for certain was how,
I had my own opinion, Betsy another had
And when we were done talking the both of us were mad.

The next thing I remember started in a joke,
Yet fully a week it lasted and neither of us had spoke,
The next thing I remember was when she broke a bowl,
Then she said that I was mean and stingy and hadn't any soul

So that bowl kept pouring dissensions in our cup,
And that old cow creature was always coming up,
And that heaven we argued about we no nearer to it got,
But it gave a taste of something a thousand times as hot.

And so the thing kept working all the self same way,
Always something to argue about and something hot to say,
And down on us came the neighbours a couple of dozen strong,
To lend their assistance to help the thing along.

And there has been days together and many weary weeks,
Both has been cross and sulky, and both too proud to speak,
And I've been thinking and thinking the whole of the summer and fall,
If I can't live kind with a woman then I won't live with her at all.

So I have talked to Betsy and Betsy has talked to me,
And we have agreed together that we can never agree,
And what is hers shall be hers and what is mine shall be mine,
And I'll put it in the agreement and I'll take it to her to sign.

Put in the papers, Lawyer, in the very first paragraph,
Of all the farm and live stock, Betsy will have her half,
For she has helped earn it through many a weary day
And it's no more than justice that Betsy should have her pay.

Give her the house and homestead, a man can travel and roam,
But women are scary creatures unless they have a home,
For I have been reminded and never failed to say,
That Betsy should never want a home if I were taken away.

There's a little hard earned money that's drawing tiresome pay,
A couple of thousand dollars laid up for a rainy day,
Safe in the hands of a good man and easy to get at,
Put in another clause dear lawyer and give her half of that.

Yes, I see you smile sir for giving her so much,
Well, divorce is cheap but I take not stock in such,
True and fair I married her when we were pert and young,
And Betsy was all good to me especially with her tongue.

When I was as young as you Sir, but not a smart perhaps,
For me she left a lawyer and several other chaps
And alas! She foundered and fairly put them down,
And for a time I was counted the luckiest man in town.

Once when I had a fever, I won't forget that soon,
I was hot as a roasted turkey, and crazy as a loon,
Never an hour went by but she was in my sight,
She nursed me true and tender and watched me day and night.

And if ever a house was tidy or ever a kitchen clean,
Her house was as tidy as ever I have ever seen,
I don't complain of Betsy or any of her acts,
Except when we quarrel and tell each other facts.

So draw up the papers, Lawyer, I'll take them home tonight,
I'll read the agreement to er and see if it's all right,
Then in the morning I'll sail to the tradesman I know,
And kiss the child that's left to us and out in the world I'll go.

One thing put in the papers, Lawyer, that at first to me didn't occur,
That when I'm dead they may bring me back to her
And lay me under the maple which I planted years ago,
When she and me were happy before we quarreled so.

And when she's dead I hope she'll be laid by me,
And lying there in silence perhaps we may agree,
And if ever we meet in Heaven I wouldn't think it queer,
If we loved each other better because we quarreled here.


Good morning Mr. Lawyer, and how are you today?
You drew up those papers of yours and I suppose you want your pay?
Down cut down on your figures make it an extra fee,
For the writing of that agreement was the making up of me.

Going home that evening sir, I'll tell you I was blue,
Thinking of all my troubles and what I was going to do,
And if my horses hadn't been the steadiest team alive,
They'd tip me over for certain for I couldn't see how to drive.

When I got in sight of the house 'twas sometime in the night,
And when I turned the hill top, I saw the kitchen light,
Which always a handsome picture to hungry persons make
But it didn't interest a fell'er much, who was going to pull up stakes.

When I went into the house the table was set for tea,
As good a supper as I ever saw or ever want to see,
I crammed the agreement in my pocket as well as I could,
And turned to eat my supper which didn't taste very good.

So Betsy pretended to fool about the house,
But she watched my side pocket as a cat would watch a mouse,
Then she went a fool'in a little with her cup,
And pretended to read a newspaper hold'in it bottom up.

When I was done my supper I took the agreement out,
I gave it to her without a word for she knew what it was about,
I hummed a little tune, and now and then a note,
And got betrayed by something that hopped up in my throat.

So Betsy got her specs from off the mantle shelf,
She read the articles over quite softly to herself,
Little by little she read it for her eyes are getting old,
And Lawyer's writing ain't no print especially when it's cold.

And after she read a little she gave my arm a touch,
And kindly said she was afraid of leaving her too much,
When she was through she came to me, face all wet with tears,
And kissed me for the first time in over twenty years.

I don't know what you think I never came to inquire,
I picked up the agreement and stuffed it in the fire,
I said we'd bury the hatchet alongside with the cow,
Sign up another agreement never again to make a row.

I told her in the future I wouldn't speak cross or rash,
If half the crockery ware in the house was broken to a smash,
And she regarded Heaven and tried to deam its worth,
By starting a new religion and running it on Earth.

And so we sat a talking three quarters of the night,
We opened our hearts to each other until they both grew light,
And the days when I courted her away from so many men,
Was nothing like the evening when I courted her again.

Next morning one of the ancient virgins took pains to call on us,
Her lamps all trimmed and burning to kindle another fuss,
And when she went on praying or rooting up old sores,
My Betsy rose politely and shoved her out of doors.

Now perhaps you think me soft, sir, in talking in this style,
But it does me a lot of good, sir to tell one in a while,
I tell it as a compliment and you can plainly see,
That the writing of that agreement was just the making of me.

Make out your bill, Mr. Lawyer, and don't stop short of an X
Make it more if you want sir, for I shall get the cheques,
I am richer than the National Bank with all its treasures told,
For I have a wife home now, sir, that's worth her weight in gold.   Submitted By: NULL